How to Have a Very Merry Christmas
by windofbanners
Summary: Or, Bruce Banner's Guide to Surviving When Tony Sets the Tree on Fire and Thor Eats All the Popcorn Balls. Family!fic. Holiday!fic. No slash.


A/N: Ahh, Bruce Banner, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...or just throw your adorableness into a Christmas!fanfiction containing grappling hooks, an angry Natasha, and voodoo dolls. Yeah, I think that works too :)

Enjoy!

* * *

_~:~_

_For every year the Christmas tree_

_Brings to us both joy and glee_

_~:~_

Watch with fear as Clint, Tony, Thor and Steve totter over holding a twenty-foot tall pine.

Mutter to yourself that this is a terrible idea.

Exchange apprehensive looks with Natasha as the other Avengers holler to each other about where to put down the tree. Release a silent sigh of relief when Thor plants the pine down in the corner of the room and start to feel excited at the prospect of decorating it together.

Replace the excitement with terror as the tree begins to wobble dangerously. Yell (alright, _scream_) when it starts to fall in your direction. Heave a sigh of relief when Steve catches it easily and stops you from becoming a Ban-cake.

Frown when the tree refuses to stay stable. Quickly confer with Clint and Tony and quickly devise a blueprint that is sure to keep it anchored.

Direct Clint in firing grappling hooks and Thor in hammering supports into the ceiling. Smile proudly when the tree stands upright on its own. Defend your idea by frowning at Natasha when she says it looks ugly. Secretly admit to yourself that it looks like the pine sprouted a large number of long and unsightly hairs.

Assign the others to the job of pruning the tree. As for yourself, unwrap a hundred popcorn balls and focus on stringing them into the longest popcorn garland that a Christmas tree will ever have.

Turn around after stringing number twenty-six to find that there are no more popcorn balls. Scold the demigod for eating seventy-four popcorn balls. Ignore Tony and Clint howling with laughter behind you. Ignore Thor's puppy dog eyes.

Finish the garland using cauliflower and rolls of bread (or other white edible objects). While working, listen to Tony and Clint teaching Thor bastardized versions of Christmas carols. Wonder what Batman and Robin would say if they heard them; laugh at Steve's scandalized expression.

In a moment of weakness, let go of all inhibitions and dare Tony to light the candles placed on the tree - by firing bullets from his Ironman costume.

Watch helplessly (or with laughter, if desired) as the tree explodes into flame. Turn to watch Steve run in with a fire extinguisher to douse the tree in white foam. Turn again to see Natasha stalking towards you with a knife in a hand.

Push Tony towards her. Run for your life.

Cautiously return only when sure that Clint has plied her with enough eggnog and cookies to calm her anger. Ignore her glare at all costs and quietly converse with Tony about a possible biological serum he was working on that repairs cell growth (specifically in the case of pine trees).

Agree to avoid the serum when Tony admits it brings plants to life. Grin nervously at Natasha as Steve tries to justify the charred half of the tree as the part that "adds a certain charm." Grin for real when a beaming Thor booms out that the foam on the tree resembles snow and tastes like whipped cream.

Meekly untangle lights with the rest of the group while Natasha sharpens her knives above your heads. Reject the plain white lights. Use the rainbow ones (seriously, use the rainbow ones).

Listen to your grunt of surprise turn into laughter as Steve and Thor hoist you onto their shoulders to wind the last of the lights around the top of the tree. Grin down at Steve, who's smiling hugely back at you, and suddenly feel like a kid on his father's shoulder – safe, secure, and on top of the world.

Take a quick break for nourishment. Go through four cartons of milk, five rolls of pre-made cookie dough, and two jars of Santa sprinkles. When finished, recommence the mission.

Stifle laughter when watching Thor discover tinsel for the first time. Snort milk out of your nose when he somehow manages to attach it to his beard. Trot over to the box where you put the candy canes and find wrappers, Clint, and Tony in their place. Pretend that you're going to Hulk out. Pout when everybody laughs at you instead.

Scour the house for objects to use as ornaments. End up with a box of test tubes, a few fist-sized Asgardian crystals, and a handful of sparkling silver daggers that Natasha pulls out of her – that Natasha pulls out. Comment on how her contribution refracts the light nicely. Earn an approving smile. Start breathing normally again.

Realize that you don't have an angel or a star to place at the top of the tree. Exchange apprehensive looks with Steve when Natasha says that she has the perfect solution and disappears from the den. Jump when she reappears behind you holding what she claims is a Russian voodoo doll. Listen to the room fall silent as everybody looks up to see the doll glaring down at them with shiny black eyes that seem to have no soul. Hope that it doesn't kill you in your sleep tonight.

Stomp on Tony's foot when he opens his mouth because you'd like to live to see tomorrow. Motion furiously at Natasha when he glares at you and watch understanding slowly dawn on his face. Wonder wryly how he considers himself a genius.

Listen to him declare instead that the tree is finished and smile along with the rest of the group. Feel Thor's rumble of agreement ruffle your hair and his hand heartily thumping your back. Happily watch the soft smirk playing on Natasha's lips and the pure happiness on Steve's face. Break into a smile when Clint grins at you rakishly, with a candy cane in his mouth.

Hang back as the others filter out into the den to watch Christmas classics, as determined by Tony. Drink in the sight of the huge, half-charred, wilted, pine glowing softly in the corner of the room. Take in the grappling cables that protrude like hairs from the tree, the highly unorthodox popcorn garland, and the foam from the fire extinguisher, now sagging and dripping onto the floor. Revel in the winking colored lights, the notable absence of candy canes, even smile at the soulless doll staring back at you.

Think about how you never quite pictured daggers adorning the perfect Christmas tree of your dreams.

Head into the den with a smile.

Accept that reality is so, _so _much better.

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**A/N**: Whatever you celebrate, whomever you believe in, I hope that everybody has a very lovely holiday season!


End file.
